- push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.
Thanks, that sounds good to me! I’ve checked out your tumblr, and all of the pictures are amazing. Keep it up!
I want to go somewhere no one will find me, and I will never return from. My own personal sanctuary from this hell I’m living in. I’ve had so many dreams and goals. I’ve worked my butt off every second, and the work still fails me. They’ve all all turned to dust because of life. Life sucks. Happiness is just an illusion created by the ringmasters of the universe that toy with us because they have nothing better to do. That’s all this is. An intense nightmare that will be over before we ultimately learn why we are here in the first place. It is all a maze that we can’t escape from because there is only one exit. That’s the exit branded with “weak” “quitter”. Who wants to leave this hell on earth with memories of those stamped on their file? Maybe I’m speaking in tongues, but all those metaphors and internal meanings about life and death and conformity seem like they weren’t good for anything. I am in school to learn. But I’m tested every single day and have to complete bogus assignments about stuff I don’t care about and won’t need. Is this life? Oh, right, you have to give a little to get a little? Okay, let’s say I finish high school? I go into college probably. That’s four more years of torture, unless I want to go into another school? Hey, why not med or law school, right? After these 7 or 9 or however many years are wasted doing more stuff and stressing and pulling out my hair and not sleeping until I pass out or get dizzy, I go to work. Work. That doesn’t sound like life. Okay, so I should fit life into the space between 9 and 5? Well 8 of those hours are supposed to be sleep. Don’t worry, there’s a route for everyone they say. Okay, I skip the college because it’s not like I didn’t develop a mental illness from the stress I put on myself to be perfect in high school. Now I can go into an uncertain job field working longer hours for less pay. That sounds a whole lot like life. Because life isn’t “live, laugh, love”. It’s “work, work, work, cry, die”. On my death bed I will be saying “don’t work yourself so hard. It’s not worth anything if you don’t love what you do.”. As if everyone can get into a job they like doing, if they’re even good at it. Because I would love to be an actress, but unfortunately Santa didn’t give me that.
You know what this sounds like, a whole lot of complaining. This is true. Because it is. I am just tired really. I am tired of living. And life doesn’t freaking stop so this is my break. I can’t go and enjoy life because I know I have to be back working in five minutes. It’s like this all the time. I have to take time from sleeping just to try and work off my anger and sadness, and mostly pain. I feel pain. Not really for myself. I feel pain for my family. They live with a hermit that hides in the cave all day. When I come out I will bite off the hand that feeds me and snap when they say “Good morning”. I feel sadness because I can’t be their little girl anymore. I can’t talk to the ants on the sidewalk and bring home injured animals to mom. I can’t ask for them to tuck me in at night, because I’m up way longer than they are. I can’t ask them to watch me to grow up because they only get in the way (at least that’s what I’m always telling them). Most of all, they’re growing older. I want this to be over before they are. I know they aren’t around forever and I know when I’m out of school I won’t be living with them and they will get “empty nest syndrome” or whatever. Then I’ll be the adult that does my own grocery shopping and visits for holidays, but I won’t see them. I don’t see them much now, but I really wish I could make it worth it. What’s wrong when I don’t have enough time to spend with my family? What’s happened?
I’m depressed. Maybe that wasn’t obvious, but I want to die. I want to drop out of school and change my name. I want to dye my hair pink and get tattoos. I want to just be a teenager. I haven’t been able to do enough reckless things, I’m so tired of being the responsible one. I want to be a kid again. Things were so simple then. I want to do that again. My natural intelligence has reached it’s limit and I am now only succeeding in school because of favoritism and working throughout the night on a regular day’s homework and studying. What’s happened to me? Where did the little blonde girl who didn’t brush her hair until you had to cut it out and talk to the bushes and trees and think she could communicate with animals go? The one who felt bad for a pencil if she didn’t use it as much as the others, and caught a kickball in the stomach? Even the one that was put in a straight jacket? The one who knew who she was and what she wanted. The one that could make it happen. The one that really didn’t care.
I just don’t understand… what happened to the magical universe that existed when I was a kid?
It’s Time to Stop Thinking and Just Live
I’m so nervous and particular about everything I do. Because I don’t think playing chicken and skipping class is smart or practical or going to be useful later in life. Sometimes, I get really depressed. Aggravated. Confused. Because I’m really just growing older and older. It’s like being a middle-aged woman stuck in a teenager’s body. Sure, I have so many opportunities, but how am I going to run into the truly great ones when I’m cramped up studying inside all day? I’m not.. so maybe I should just let loose and party every once in awhile. I’ll still try hard and do my homework, but I’m not gonna ace every test.. I shouldn’t have to kill myself to do well. I can make mistakes in life, and it will all be okay. I’ll be happier and healthier, and well… more alive.